All Of A Sudden...

     For his next trick, Dr. Beaufort  Klaus Von Krankheit will poke and  prod this demonic monkey he has just summoned from the stinking bowls of Hell while recording the screams of the audience as they flee in ultimate fear and horror.

I think he is in a commercial somewhere saying, " I don't always summon demons, but when I do, they are flying monkeys."

 Kudos to you Ole Eraser Head for making our world a little bit brighter to live in. I really think however you might want to keep that sword handy to smote it's ruin, as one famous wizard might have said somewhere far off in another world.

Play Guitar In Just Seven Seconds!

     Here for your enjoyment is an add I found in the back of an old Marvel Comics series known as "What The!?" The art is my own interpretation of the one in the add. I loved it so much, and as most kids would, I wrote it word for word pretty much while in Jr. High, circa late 1980s. Hope I don't get sued over copyright issues.

    Yes, it's completely true! Using the famous Dr. Horrorstein's Subliminal Inter-Neural  Electronic Infillibrator. Now we can cram the knowledge needed to play guitar like an expert into your mind before you know it!  Learn over 6,ooo chords and finger placement arrangements in the space of a doezen heartbeats. of course, all of this doesn't come easy. If you hook up the device incorrectly, you could end up a gibbering idiot for life. Since most people who would answer this add start out that way, it's not such a big risk.
Rush coupon today! Only $19.96 plus $250.00 shipping and handling.
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Guy's, here is my $19.95. I promise my check will be good because if it isn't, I understand that you will send Rocco to my house in order to hit me over my foolish head with the kitchen sink. If I am not fully satisfied with the product, well that is just tough boogers because if I make a stink about it, I will end up dead in a dumpster somewhere and my family will not approve of that at all.

Let the Shenanigans Ensue! (Before reading, find some funny clown music to play, it makes it even better!)

    So many jokes could start from this one pic. "Two clowns were walking down the street and they ran head on into a full pie rack!"  Then again, with the utter maliciousness in the one clown's face, bad shit is most likely to happen. Like he would rather cram the pie down a person's throat till they suffocated from pie asphyxia.  More commonly known as 'Death by Clowning' (so the coroner's report would read.) What's in store for the dude pushing the rack? I feel kinda bad for him. One moment he is peddling pies, blissfully unaware of the 'tom foolery' just around the bend, and the next, well, need I say more? I do not use the for mentioned term lightly, for the real life Tom Fool (Tom Skelton) was a twisted character indeed, let there be no mistake. He was a court jester at England's Muncaster Castle who had a murderous past. For the full story, I suggest looking on youtube or your favorite video link site, Castle Ghosts of England, ep. 1, Muncaster Castle. Very creepy.

  Well, it looks like Skeezy the Clown and his pal Bubbles are going to take it to the streets with the pie chucking business and cause trouble, and I mean scorched earth, no survivors, whole sale destruction, body bags and fire trouble! Will Pete the Pie Peddler have the the courage to stand up and fight back against the gruesome twosome, or will he flee in terror whilst being viciously assaulted by two pie throwing clowns? (Answer in label section) Here is your fresh cup of today's 100% Freeze Dried Insanity people!!! Stay tuned for more on this particular feed of nuttiness and mediocrity!

It's Finally Over!

     Have you ever felt like this while waiting forever? Does someone need to get done doing whatever it is they are doing because your life is becoming a Snicker's commercial? "Not going anywhere for a while?" I'll tell you what, this chap here has gone way beyond that stage, and has left Rip Van Winkle in his dust. Yet it's ironic that they have something in common, with the whole RIP aspect going for them. I know many of us probably felt the same way this past holiday season, am I right? If the circumstance arises again, shall I suggest this as a joke, or perhaps a passive-aggressive way of showing your utter disdain for the situation at hand? When you have more important things to do beside wait, and wait, and wait even longer, it's time you replace yourself with Mr.Lazybones and either go do what you want, take a short walk on a nice day, or  what have you. Call 1-800-272-4000 or send three easy payments of $19.95 and $3.00 shipping and handling to 'Fake O Products' P.O. Box 7090 Walla Walla Washington, 15151 We have an exciting line of products to tickle your fancy and pique your interest. But wait there's more! If you act now, you will also receive a half used stick of lip balm, festering with God only knows what. (all checks ran through Sawtooth National Bank and are non refundable.) Supplies are limited, call now!!

All I Want For Christmas...

Nothing says I am a fan of The King like a King Size guitar of buttery delicious popcorn right!? I wonder if it's Peanut Butter and 'Nanner Sammach flavor hiding in those puffs of yum. One can just imagine him saying,
 "Hey there...come buy my popcorn baby, uh huh...I got lots of flavors, like, cheese, original, caramel , toffee, peanut butter 'nanner, Burnin' Love for all you hot sauce efficianatos out there and... my personal favorite...Bacon baby, oh yea..uh huh. So TCB with some this here popcorn,  brought to you by me, Elvis Presley. Thank you very much.."
(If you did not read it with The King's voice in your head, or at least Bruce Campbell as Elvis in Bubba Ho-Tep, you have problems.) So, chow down America! I salute you!!

E=MC..Scared..?

This is probably one of the best mash ups I have ever seen, I mean holy shit dude, that is fucking funny! Well done unknown artist! I should take the trouble and use the power of the internet to find out said artist's name and give props, or I could just be lazy and say fuck it, post and be done. I am sure the occasional passive reader couldn't care less either. Well if they did, would it be enough to chide me in the comments section? To which my response would be something akin to a dog getting it in the snout when he peed on the rug. Peed on the fuckin' rug. So much for tie'n the room together. Then again, a meme is viral in nature so...., well, it's like this.. do we need to hunt down the first person to spread the flu? I think not. Stay freaky my friends!

You don't Say?!

Today your Captain brings you more weird shit from the interweb! Yea, like I have the market cornered on that! For me it is just more eye popping madness found as I sojourn across the cyber sea from all destinations of oddity. We can safely say that this old bat took the 'Brown Acid' back at Woodstock and simply never returned from that trip. One of Timothy Leary's ever faithful who bought into the expansion of consciousness and refused to grapple with the boundless and harsh realities around all of us. Enjoy your ride Granny, I am sure one day I'll run into you on Venice Beach or somewhere in Greenwich Village. Maybe even at Burning Man for that matter. That is, if I ever get my mitts on the cash for a Winnebago, fuel, supplies and lots of good drugs to chase after my elusive personal American Dream.

And then, there was this guy.

Somewhere along the line, things went down hill for Popeye. Once a mighty sailor of the seven seas, now reduced to a carnival sideshow attraction. It seems his bloated forearms have migrated up to where the're suppose to be. A sad side effect from Spinach Abuse seems to be blindness. I would sight the weight loss, but we can blame Whimpy for that, eating up all the hamburgers in sight. What a fuckin' bummer. So my friends, raise a glass, pop a pill, spark a doobie or what ever your flavor, to Ol Bug-eyes here in honor of his ultimate weirdness he brings to our increasingly mundane and dull society. Sure there is plenty of strange to be seen on the interweb, but how does it get there? Now days everyone has a camera in their pocket, which changes the game in my opinion. Back in the day, when someone did something out of the ordinary, it was forever ingrained into the observers memory, or by chance caught on the local news by some misfortune. Now, it seems that when a person is caught in the act, it is the sole purpose to have it go "viral".  To me, it feels not as genuine as it use to be. But, then again what do the fuck do I know!?

Holy Crapola!

I just realized how long it has been since I had a good opportunity to blog! Since fucking November!? Well, when in doubt, Go Ape!! Doobaleeabah!!Fear no true believers, I will have more madcap misadventures to reports and continue to sink to low levels of mediocrity for you Deckhands to enjoy. I just need to get my groove back, find my cool once more, bring the mojo I once had many moons ago. Sobriety tends to have a downer effect on the creativity for me anyway. As the great Gonzo journalist Dr.Hunter S. Thomson said once, " I don't advocate drugs, alcohol or insanity. It's just in my case, they worked."