Welcome to the House of Acid.

Now this would be something to see while on drugs! Or nothing to see for that matter. All in the perspective I guess.More proof that nothing is what it seems. Wow, I am surprised at the deep level of drivel I just spewed. Such an ancient concept. But really, sober or not, that kind of shit wold really knock you off your square the first few times you see it. It's what the entrance to theWonka Factory's shitters, or the Ommpa Loompa dormitory somewhere deep below the famous chocolate factory would be like. What's in that candy Mr. Wonka!? Is the Everlasting Gobbstopper laced with LSD so you can fuck with the tour groups Sir? No wonder he had to close his doors. Not industrial espionage as we were lead to believe, but by court order for knowing and unlawfully "spiking the punch", however can remain in business to operate as a normal factory because, not only corporations are people, there is something about that candy that tastes so good and keeps you hungry for more. I just can't explain it.

It's Good To Be The King. Oh Reeeeeeaaaaaly?

Here stands before you, the ultimate victor of the Fast Food War. Ready to now lord over Planet Earth with the yellow gloved iron fist of doom. "You shall eat my hamburgers and disrepair!!"
Who would have thought that things in Corporate America would sink to this low level of depravity. One day, a seemingly innocent looking clown. The next a slayer of Kings.
"And lo, it shall come to pass, a fiery world of badly seared beef patties and other, so called 'healthy options' to be crammed down thou collective gullets."
One has to wonder, what happened to Taco Bell? Is he using Burger King's severed head to ring it, thus, ushering in a new era? Has he made Wendy his queen or his bitch? Will they breed and fill the White Castle with McNuggets? All we know is this: The fate of most other fast food chains were decided in the first days of combat. Rally's, just not fast enough. Dairy Queen ran out of all weaponry early and resorted to throwing soft serve which ended badly for them. Culver's suffered a similar demise.  The only box Jack ended up in was a coffin. Long John Silver, Captain D, both sunk. The fast food landscape was  laid waste. It came down in the end of days between the epic siege of Burger King's fortress by the Army of Arches. Carnage ensued, many were lost. burger wrappers, fry boxes and soft drink cups almost outnumbered the bodies on the battlefield. House McDonald has crushed all competitors. Now shut up and eat that Big Mac!!

So, here we go again!

" Now boys, I am going to explain it to you again. Just because you are dressed like a car does not mean you can get drive thru service."

This looks like something that some idiots where I live would try. Now, if they really wanted to be funny, go through fast food joints dressed in a gorilla costume and order banana shakes, or run across the freeway wearing a chicken suite . Perhaps run through a crowded mall dressed as a banana with a gorilla chasing you. Now that would be funny!

All Of A Sudden...

     For his next trick, Dr. Beaufort  Klaus Von Krankheit will poke and  prod this demonic monkey he has just summoned from the stinking bowls of Hell while recording the screams of the audience as they flee in ultimate fear and horror.

I think he is in a commercial somewhere saying, " I don't always summon demons, but when I do, they are flying monkeys."

 Kudos to you Ole Eraser Head for making our world a little bit brighter to live in. I really think however you might want to keep that sword handy to smote it's ruin, as one famous wizard might have said somewhere far off in another world.

Play Guitar In Just Seven Seconds!

     Here for your enjoyment is an add I found in the back of an old Marvel Comics series known as "What The!?" The art is my own interpretation of the one in the add. I loved it so much, and as most kids would, I wrote it word for word pretty much while in Jr. High, circa late 1980s. Hope I don't get sued over copyright issues.

    Yes, it's completely true! Using the famous Dr. Horrorstein's Subliminal Inter-Neural  Electronic Infillibrator. Now we can cram the knowledge needed to play guitar like an expert into your mind before you know it!  Learn over 6,ooo chords and finger placement arrangements in the space of a doezen heartbeats. of course, all of this doesn't come easy. If you hook up the device incorrectly, you could end up a gibbering idiot for life. Since most people who would answer this add start out that way, it's not such a big risk.
Rush coupon today! Only $19.96 plus $250.00 shipping and handling.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Guy's, here is my $19.95. I promise my check will be good because if it isn't, I understand that you will send Rocco to my house in order to hit me over my foolish head with the kitchen sink. If I am not fully satisfied with the product, well that is just tough boogers because if I make a stink about it, I will end up dead in a dumpster somewhere and my family will not approve of that at all.

Let the Shenanigans Ensue! (Before reading, find some funny clown music to play, it makes it even better!)

    So many jokes could start from this one pic. "Two clowns were walking down the street and they ran head on into a full pie rack!"  Then again, with the utter maliciousness in the one clown's face, bad shit is most likely to happen. Like he would rather cram the pie down a person's throat till they suffocated from pie asphyxia.  More commonly known as 'Death by Clowning' (so the coroner's report would read.) What's in store for the dude pushing the rack? I feel kinda bad for him. One moment he is peddling pies, blissfully unaware of the 'tom foolery' just around the bend, and the next, well, need I say more? I do not use the for mentioned term lightly, for the real life Tom Fool (Tom Skelton) was a twisted character indeed, let there be no mistake. He was a court jester at England's Muncaster Castle who had a murderous past. For the full story, I suggest looking on youtube or your favorite video link site, Castle Ghosts of England, ep. 1, Muncaster Castle. Very creepy.

  Well, it looks like Skeezy the Clown and his pal Bubbles are going to take it to the streets with the pie chucking business and cause trouble, and I mean scorched earth, no survivors, whole sale destruction, body bags and fire trouble! Will Pete the Pie Peddler have the the courage to stand up and fight back against the gruesome twosome, or will he flee in terror whilst being viciously assaulted by two pie throwing clowns? (Answer in label section) Here is your fresh cup of today's 100% Freeze Dried Insanity people!!! Stay tuned for more on this particular feed of nuttiness and mediocrity!

It's Finally Over!

     Have you ever felt like this while waiting forever? Does someone need to get done doing whatever it is they are doing because your life is becoming a Snicker's commercial? "Not going anywhere for a while?" I'll tell you what, this chap here has gone way beyond that stage, and has left Rip Van Winkle in his dust. Yet it's ironic that they have something in common, with the whole RIP aspect going for them. I know many of us probably felt the same way this past holiday season, am I right? If the circumstance arises again, shall I suggest this as a joke, or perhaps a passive-aggressive way of showing your utter disdain for the situation at hand? When you have more important things to do beside wait, and wait, and wait even longer, it's time you replace yourself with Mr.Lazybones and either go do what you want, take a short walk on a nice day, or  what have you. Call 1-800-272-4000 or send three easy payments of $19.95 and $3.00 shipping and handling to 'Fake O Products' P.O. Box 7090 Walla Walla Washington, 15151 We have an exciting line of products to tickle your fancy and pique your interest. But wait there's more! If you act now, you will also receive a half used stick of lip balm, festering with God only knows what. (all checks ran through Sawtooth National Bank and are non refundable.) Supplies are limited, call now!!

All I Want For Christmas...

Nothing says I am a fan of The King like a King Size guitar of buttery delicious popcorn right!? I wonder if it's Peanut Butter and 'Nanner Sammach flavor hiding in those puffs of yum. One can just imagine him saying,
 "Hey there...come buy my popcorn baby, uh huh...I got lots of flavors, like, cheese, original, caramel , toffee, peanut butter 'nanner, Burnin' Love for all you hot sauce efficianatos out there and... my personal favorite...Bacon baby, oh yea..uh huh. So TCB with some this here popcorn,  brought to you by me, Elvis Presley. Thank you very much.."
(If you did not read it with The King's voice in your head, or at least Bruce Campbell as Elvis in Bubba Ho-Tep, you have problems.) So, chow down America! I salute you!!

E=MC..Scared..?

This is probably one of the best mash ups I have ever seen, I mean holy shit dude, that is fucking funny! Well done unknown artist! I should take the trouble and use the power of the internet to find out said artist's name and give props, or I could just be lazy and say fuck it, post and be done. I am sure the occasional passive reader couldn't care less either. Well if they did, would it be enough to chide me in the comments section? To which my response would be something akin to a dog getting it in the snout when he peed on the rug. Peed on the fuckin' rug. So much for tie'n the room together. Then again, a meme is viral in nature so...., well, it's like this.. do we need to hunt down the first person to spread the flu? I think not. Stay freaky my friends!

You don't Say?!

Today your Captain brings you more weird shit from the interweb! Yea, like I have the market cornered on that! For me it is just more eye popping madness found as I sojourn across the cyber sea from all destinations of oddity. We can safely say that this old bat took the 'Brown Acid' back at Woodstock and simply never returned from that trip. One of Timothy Leary's ever faithful who bought into the expansion of consciousness and refused to grapple with the boundless and harsh realities around all of us. Enjoy your ride Granny, I am sure one day I'll run into you on Venice Beach or somewhere in Greenwich Village. Maybe even at Burning Man for that matter. That is, if I ever get my mitts on the cash for a Winnebago, fuel, supplies and lots of good drugs to chase after my elusive personal American Dream.

And then, there was this guy.

Somewhere along the line, things went down hill for Popeye. Once a mighty sailor of the seven seas, now reduced to a carnival sideshow attraction. It seems his bloated forearms have migrated up to where the're suppose to be. A sad side effect from Spinach Abuse seems to be blindness. I would sight the weight loss, but we can blame Whimpy for that, eating up all the hamburgers in sight. What a fuckin' bummer. So my friends, raise a glass, pop a pill, spark a doobie or what ever your flavor, to Ol Bug-eyes here in honor of his ultimate weirdness he brings to our increasingly mundane and dull society. Sure there is plenty of strange to be seen on the interweb, but how does it get there? Now days everyone has a camera in their pocket, which changes the game in my opinion. Back in the day, when someone did something out of the ordinary, it was forever ingrained into the observers memory, or by chance caught on the local news by some misfortune. Now, it seems that when a person is caught in the act, it is the sole purpose to have it go "viral".  To me, it feels not as genuine as it use to be. But, then again what do the fuck do I know!?

Holy Crapola!

I just realized how long it has been since I had a good opportunity to blog! Since fucking November!? Well, when in doubt, Go Ape!! Doobaleeabah!!Fear no true believers, I will have more madcap misadventures to reports and continue to sink to low levels of mediocrity for you Deckhands to enjoy. I just need to get my groove back, find my cool once more, bring the mojo I once had many moons ago. Sobriety tends to have a downer effect on the creativity for me anyway. As the great Gonzo journalist Dr.Hunter S. Thomson said once, " I don't advocate drugs, alcohol or insanity. It's just in my case, they worked."

More from the WTF Files!

I have absolutely no clue of what this strange creature is, mainly because I forgot to write what it was when I found the pic, so my bad. We can however speculate to no end to what this insect is. Sometimes you feel like a nut I suppose. In our speculation and conjecture, it is my hypothesis that some native tribes probably consider this a tasty snack to be served with other spiders and grubs from the jungle.  Either that or that is just one of those things a person sees while on a hallucinogenic substance whipped up by the tribe's Medicine Man. If that's the case, I can only hope that this bug imparts some sort of wisdom to the psyconaught on their journey of mental exploration as they plumb the depths of the mind. Good luck, and Godspeed. I certainly would not want to wake up to an army of these invading my campsite. They could be poisonous and bitey and I can not abide biting insects of any sort that crave the flesh of the human beast.

A Kerfuffle Over Lunch.

Have we not devolved as a species enough as it is? Kudos to you at Channel 19 News to have the journalistic courage to probe deep into the soul of a beloved sandwich favorite to discern if the peanut butter is not as cooperative with the jelly as we once thought, or is it the other way around? Or is it that the bread is white and not wheat?  Well listen here, taste does not lie!! You might as well say, that the Reese's company got it wrong too! Are we so paranoid of a culture where we go around accusing food because we can?  Both breads taste great! Hey, wait...after a closer look at the details, one might say, "Hey, Kent and Brunswick is in Canada Eh!" But I would call them on their shenanigans and say, no way man, look at the high and low temperatures  the are marked with degrees Fahrenheit not Centigrade, and anyone who knows anything, that Canada runs on the metric system and in fact uses Centigrade. KPH too, so, say if you bellied up to the counter at the local Ronnie Mac Steakhouse, you could probably get a Royale with Cheese. Unless of course the company that Lords over the fast food biz  with a yellow gloved iron fist demands all of it's franchises in North America use the term "Quarter  Pounder". I wouldn't put it by those clowns I'll tell ya. But, I digress. Those places are most likely counties in a State near you! Now, lets take a closer look at this nasty bread the person used to make this travesty of our loved PB&J. I would guess that it was found in some school kid's repugnant locker. No Wonder Bread was hurt in the construction of this masterpiece. (No Wonder Bread was used at all it seems!) I mean bottom shelf bargain brand doesn't look that bad, and the fool even took a bite! Yet, we must see to the heart  of this matter. It is my professional opinion that PB&J sandwiches are not racist. They are only delicious. As funky as the one pictured looks, it may taste just fine. ( Insert philosophical cliche here about books and covers and all that.)

It's a game of what if....

Now, if you are a stoner or even if you're not, one has to agree on how cool this would be to have in your very own personal Soul Clinic. Illuminate your self and your friends with this radiation free lounging equipment from your friends at the Tron Gallery! Nightlife has never been so bright. Can you imagine, listening to some mellow jams, kicking it surrounded by the soft under-glow, enjoying your relax of choice with friends, old or new. Being apart of the Human Element, engaging, the essence of conversation, the point/counter point of ideas shared and sustained in the very movement of the moment. Built within this perfection is revelation, epiphany, enlightenment. Wise thoughts fill the cup of the mind, that make one ponder  if siting on electronic furniture with drink in hand could be a bad decision considering that liquid and electricity do not mix and might just blast you through the fuckin ceiling. Always bad news especially if you live on a bottom floor apartment. All those sorry bastards living above would notice would be a momentary brown out and body busting up out of their floor!  Good way to ruin movie night. Where in the hell would be the off switch anyway? Not recommended for well lit areas of the home or office in any case. I would not be surprised if the seating remains toasty warm, unless of course we have discovered light without heat.

An excerpt from the "WTF!" Files

If  you ever read The Gunslinger series by Stephen King, your first thought upon seeing this 'Lobstrosity' was "Did-a- chic! Did-a-chum!" am I right? It surprises me to no end the ever constant strangeness in the circle of life on earth. The phrase, "It might taste like pumpkin pie but I'd never eat the motherfucker" comes to mind. I certainly hope for that guy's sake that whatever he is holding is dead, dead, dead!! If not, then Braveheart over here probably had a feast because if you are not afraid to hold it, chances are you are not afraid to eat it. What do I have to say to that? GAAAHHH!!!!

Some good advice!

As Dr. Hunter S. Thomson said, "Buy the ticket, take the ride."  Yes ladies and gents, I am taking a bit of a break and a deviation from the current theme of interstellar mockery until such time as I either come up with funnier material or I get an enormous amount of fan mail demanding the return of the ads. However, I do not see the latter ever happening,  so, I will just wait until a picture plunks the magic twanger of my funny bone before I lay down any more of that drivel. Admittedly, it has been pretty slow here in the secret bunker and this you see before you is all my puny mind can concoct. So, without any further a due, I shall bid you Adieu for now.

I'm not a crook!

Yes the pool is shrinking, thank God, of eligible intergalactic bachelors and bachelorettes and as soon as I run out of ideas, and believe you me, I am stretching at this point, I can assure you that I will be moving on to other low brow crap to make fun of. The costumes are only getting worse as are the jokes, I mean, look at this fool. Slacks and wingtips?! Really?! Draping yourself with 'creepy cloth' does not mean you are some being from beyond, unless you are beyond help, of which sir you are. However, for shits and giggles, let's assume that his costume is worthy of note and he comes from the planet Theta Epsilon III in the Cygnus sector. "Dick" as he wishes to be known, has come to earth to party down like there is no tomorrow anywhere! He enjoys long soaks in the swamp, collecting ray guns and is a master of disguise. His idea of a first date is base jumping into deep pits in the earths crust and a cup of coffee at a greasy spoon afterward. Give him a shot and he may just shoot you back, or in the back, or something. Oh hell, this is just terrible!!!

Hey, hey fellas!!

Wow do we have a treat for you tonight boys! This Diva from the planet Skeeva has got it all! (Including a few things you have never even heard of, woa!) Meet B'nnttz-Fnt-Laa or "Lucinda" if you prefer. This beauty is a Sagittarius with a Mercury rising, and we're not talking Freddy either! She enjoys feeding on the fluids of fresh fruits native to her home world, Zumba, Palates, listening to the earthling band 'The Venus In Furs' , desperate male species of any sentient race and assorted earth beverages. Top of her most favorites are Long Island Ice Teas. Give her a go in your Satellite of Love and she is sure to rock your worlds!  

Super Intelligent Being Seeks Same.

Greetings life forms. This is Lord Thall of the planet Medullion Massa which orbits Mu Arae in the Ara constellation. He is an interplanetary evil genius who is looking for other life forms who would share his aspirations of watching planets burn. Lord Thall is Aquarius rising and his favorite color is, you guessed it black! When not building sophisticated weapons of mass destruction,  Thall relaxes by listening to the screams of his helpless test subjects while viewing  holo -projections of super novas. Get on his good side, (if he has one) and you never know what secrets of the universe you will unlock!