What The?!

So I am watching the Travel Channel's show Deep Fried Paradise and they had a spot on deep fried bacon! Perhaps you did not get that, I said DEEP FRIED BACON!! They even said it is called "heart attack on a plate." Is this not the image one conjures up in the mind whilst hearing those words? Shame on a plate more like. To quote a patron who agreed to be on camera, "This is a heart attack waiting to happen!" So said the fat man to the deep fried bacon before he smiles and take a bite. But wait, there is also a deep fried hamburger! Fried in the same recycled sludge since 1912! Nothing says I hate myself more than a grease explosion in your mouth. Yet I thought The Baconator from Wendy's was at the top of dinner time debauchery. This my friends is why the rest of the world kinda hates us! Should I feel bad thinking about all this while I am shoveling leftover spaghetti into my own fat face? At least my supper tom foolery was home made. However, when I think about it, I really enjoyed Bennigan's deep fried wonder of a sangwich, The Monte Cristo.(-turkey, ham and cheese on wheat pressed overnight in the fridge and dipped in funnle cake batter and deep fried served with a side of Knott's Raspberry Preserve.)Magnificent! I am sure we can agree there are some big time stoners working in Taco Bell's R&D department. Think about it, Crunchwrap Supreme, double decker tacos, and half pound burritos featuring meat and taters only. I can faintly hear the strains of Glory, Glory, Hallelujah off in the distance.

Where did the time go!?

I haven't blogged for a while mainly because I haven't had anything interesting, funny or even down right droll to say. I haven't even had any good spam to throw out! Besides, my brains as of late look and feel like the picture and no it is not because of the drugs, it is the polar opposite, the lack there of!! School, life and such has put too many strands in old Duder's head , to quote a favorite movie. I should be on a strict regiment of chemicals to keep the mind limber, but, what the fuck. What are ya gonna do right? Maybe since school is almost over,(thank God) I'll have more time to ponder the secrets of the universe. As soon as I figure them out, you will be the first to know, I assure you. Especially if I invent warp drive or open a wormhole to the multiverse, which I am working on. SCIENCE!!!!!! Hey, Einstein did his best stuff while working as a patton clerk, right?

Yummy, Spamwich!!!!

Guess I picked the wrong week to stop sniffin' glue!!


So this is what ended up in my spam box today.

Then, said Mr Scaley, producing a small document from his pocket and

With this confidence will never ever leave you.

"To please the devil, ma'am," answered the baron.
and a father, is number one, under this here most fatal go!
figure dance before Mr Lillyvick.
closing address, and was by this time wound up to a pitch of impotent


And apparently some one had 'Fled the Yonghy-Bonghy -Bo, by the turkey who live on the hill no less.

Ahh, i am glad to have something worthy to blog about again.

Have you ever seen a man with 6 fingers on his hand?

I wonder how many people came up to this guy and said:
"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die."

News Flash (In Spam box)

This just in. According to

andrewbaca

Criminals enslaved bums

Details at 11.
What is this world coming to?!

Woes of the world at large

Yea, I know, I am a stooge for not updating this as often as I need to but shit has been either crazy busy or just don't have anything interesting to say. The last thing I want is this blog to become a twitter deal.( Not a slam against those who do it, just not for me.) I just don't see the point of letting the world know you are on the shitter or Starbucks ran out of Grande cups. Who gives a fuck! Are we not deluged with an obscene amount of data in our day to have to deal with more. No damn wonder why the world is bat shit crazy and stressed out.

Imbicility Afoot!

Finally, someone has done something worthy of this picture.

Last week I was in our local Secretary of State, aka the D.M.V. for most Americans. This guy at the counter, I'd say, in his mid 50's is on his cell phone directly in front of a sign that clearly stated that one should refrain form any and all conversations on a cellular device while being helped by the person behind the counter. Strike One. He was in the midst of arguing with the nice lady behind the counter on why he was required to have proof of insurance in order to get a license plate for a new vehicle purchase. Strike Two. Every time the nice lady told him what needs to happen in order to get things done in a proper manor, he apparently knew best because he kept saying, " no, you can't do that!" Further on in this fiasco, She asked him what kind of vehicle was it again. Answer, "A Winnebago." Next Question: "What model?" Response: "Uh, a chef-tine, chef something,.." "can you spell that sir?" "Uh, C, H, I, uh no, C, H,E...." Strike Three. (Worse yet he was trying to get help from the dummy on the other end of the phone who obviously didn't know either!)
He couldn't spell nor even say the word Chieftain! I wanted to punch him! Or at least get up and say, Man, Winnebago is a tribe, who runs a tribe a fucking Chieftain!!! Idiot! I was appalled that this guy was in the world breathing our air! Now I myself may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but, fuckin' a. That was just the beginning of a wonderful day dealing with people who ran into the cloud of stupid that day that must have decended upon the tri-county area.
Some wise advice when you are having a day such as that- Never go to a big box store or a Kroger to purchase a Green Dot Money Pack card. The clerk will only stare at you and stutter in confused tones.
Avoid driving. People will try to turn in front of you improperly by not using the turn lane and will cause a back up.
Better yet, if you encounter something real idiotic, just turn around and go home. Whatever it is can wait until the next day.

Star Trekkin!

In response to Benny's Shatner video post I was compelled to post this picture of The Shat. Let it be known that in no way am I trying to Spock Block my friend Benny. That would be......highly illogical.

In my long years of Geek-dom, I've had the privilege of meeting more than one actor from Star Trek. Such as "Oh My!" George Takei, and Spock's father Ambassador Sarek a.k.a Mark Leonard. I was in the same room while both William Shatner and Leonard Nemoy were on stage (together in fact!), albeit toward the back of the venue so they looked kinda small. Others include from TOS, Scotty-James Doohan, Checkov-Walter Koenig, and most recently, Sean Kenny who played Captain Pike (disfigured) in the episode, The Menagerie. From TNG, I sat in the first row while Patrick Stewart was on stage preforming and impromptu Shakespeare moment. Lt. Worf-Michale Dorn ( very nice guy, great singer!) Commander Riker-Johnathan Frakes, and Troy-Marina Sirtis. From Voyager, (most recently) Ensign Kim-Garrett Wang (Very, very, cool guy) The Doctor-Robert Picardo ( left salad leavins at the lunch table at Motor City Comic Con 2006), Ensign Torres-Roxanne Dawson, and Lt. Paris-Robert Duncan McNeil. From Enterprise- ( Oh God there's more?! yes.) Ensign Mayweather-Anthony Montgomery( I have pictures to prove that one. Very cool guy) and last but not least, two that I didn't actually meet but it was surreal watching them head to lunch, Malcolm and Trip- Dominic Keating and Conner Trinneer. I'll never forget the joke Mark Leonard told us in attendance at a Star Trek Convention back in '91 I think, " How many Klingons does it take to screw in a light bulb? ( confused crowd sits silent) "Two. But they have to be very small." ( Some in the crowd got it right away and guffawed, to others it was a joke grenade that went off in a short amount of time. I am sure that to this day there are those that still don't get it and never will.
That is of course just a few celebs I've hobb nobbed with over the years, a list too long to get into and being that many are from Star Wars and a few other things, I would be here forever. I will say that I was in the same room as The Maker, George Lucas at Celebration III, Indianapolis IN 2005. I can also die happy knowing that just this past May at the after party for Motor City Comic Con, I offered Bo Duke- John Schnider, a Jello-shot. Just to be inviting and hospitable. Although he declined, ( probably thinking there was rufies in it or some shit) it was still pretty cool. Of course I was in a properly Dude-ified state of mind. Comfortable, with a Caucasian in my hand. The Dude abides. Next stop this year- Labowski Fest in Kentucky. Fuckin' A.

Latenight Crazyness

They came and took my brother away, the Men in White picked him up yesterday! But they will never come take me away, because I'm o.k., buuhahahah! I'm normal!

Another Spamwich serving

From-

Mr Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo

Message to me-

boulevards
They whistled and warbled a moony song

Love it, Love it, Love it!!!!

Evening fodder

Had some musings tonight I thought I would share-

The parliament of Owls observed a murder of Crows unheard, circling where an unkindness of Ravens mocked and otherwise interfered with the business of Ferrets.
Where the Nightingales kept watch as a storytelling of Rooks made a building while the Larks sang in an exaltation warning of a leash of Fox, leading to a scurry of Squirrels.
Yet high they fly, cast and kettle the Hawks dive down on a warren of Rabbit.
But back in the jungle, there is always a bungle when the shrewdness of Apes hold debate with he congress of Baboons.
Tribe and Colony, sleuth and sloth. Badgers, Beavers and Bears! (oh my!)
Vally and siege of Bitterns and Birds are far from a swarm of Bees.
Come to your senses o Mammals pretentious, the collective must stay alive.

Some one knows me too well for not knowing me.

Quesinberry Junusexy

says:

You got problems

Tell me something I don't know!

For the record, it wasn't me.

I found this on my yahoo news just now. I don't know if I will get in trouble for posting this but as long as the sources are identified, I ought to be ok.
The chimp says: "You can't see me!!"

Man in ape costume tries to steal banana displays

From the Associated Press

Thu May 21, 3:27 pm ET

FOND DU LAC, Wis. – Police continue a fruitless search for a man wearing an ape costume who has attempted to steal foam banana displays from inside local gas stations. Capt. Steve Klein said Thursday someone donning an ape costume entered two gas stations Wednesday trying to steal the displays and police have received several calls about the suspect hanging around town.

While Klein acknowledges that the action may seem funny, they want to talk to the person behind the ape suit because they aren't sure what the suspect's motives are.

Bastard stole my idea!!!!!!!!

And it continues

Another spam copy.

But question is - why him? The best

Wash away, wash away Mr Quangle Wangle Quee ocjq


So I wonder, will it ever end? I can only hope that the comedy keeps on coming.

A small but tasty Spamwich

Always remember-

Check exposed Gaga

before you leave the house.
Unfortunately, there was no real email with this subject, just more boring pharmacy crap. If I wasn't so tired, I would at least try to make something up that was clever and entertaining, but oh well. Until the next post. At least the picture of The Dummy is funny.

More spam funnies

Today's spamwich-

Nardini Willy to me

Oh, see that hot babbee

Apparently The Great Nardini feels I should have a bigger Johnson.
The only good thing I see in all of this is that I have something to make fun of and I can post a picture of a chimp.

Who keeps sending me this shit!!!!!

After another spam check, I found this. (not edited in any way with the exception of a address link)
Subject line:

And they bought a Pig, and some green Jackdaws

Message:
You shall have my Chairs and candle
- And it's perfectly known that a Pobble's toes
O Timballoo! How happy we are


-On that Coast of Coromandel
(Fish is plentiful and cheap

Spam-A-Lot

I found the following in my spam just now. This was copied and pasted verbatim. Subject was this:

Of the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo

The message:

The Quangle Wangle said
--With ribbons and bibbons on every side
-Swam across the Bristol Channel.
But there came to the Crumpetty Tree Stolen away, stolen away.

Wow.

I found Cheezus part II

Free inside every bag!!! Your very own Bible Buddy!! Now you can re-enact you favorite biblical story in apocalyptic proportions! Just tear open a bag of any Jeez-its, (Catholic tested,Pope approved!) and have a religious experience! Each figure comes with robe, sash and custom Jerusalem Cruisers!(a.k.a. sandals.)
Collect all twelve! (for a limited time only)

I found Cheezus!!!

Cheesus Christ! Yes it is true. In the news tonight a lady in Texas was eating cheese puffs and found one that appeared to be wearing a robe and praying. So, it could only be the Cheetos Jesus. Not that any other person in biblical times prayed and wore robes. It looked like it had a fucking turban on anyway!!!! So, if this line of thought is correct, and a Muslim found it, would they say it was Mohammad? No! Why? Because they believe that it is sacrilegious to have any kind of portrait or image of their revered holy man. So leave it to the Christians to make a national news story about a fucking cheese puff. Here is the rub though. They plan to sell it on Ebay! Just trying to wrap my head around it nearly gave me a fucking aneurysm! Who says it can't be Moses, or Abraham, or just a crazy looking cheese curl! Would it make the news if she opened up her chud of a child's diaper and it miraculously looked like a dude in a robe praying? Would we then have Poopie Jesus? Would she call CNN to say the Shroud of Turdin appeared in her kids raisin stripes?! Then promptly put it up for auction? I guess I am off to look in all of my snacks for deities. Maybe I will find me a Buddha newton!

(Special thanks to Benny for extra fodder.)

Proper Gnomenclature

Gnomes! What is it about those little fellows that is so interesting? Personally, I like Gnomes, and if someone were to ask me why, I would answer like Sean Connery did in the movie Highlander. "Why does the sun come up? Or, are stars just pin holes in the curtain of night?" To me, it just is. To each his gnome I guess. Gnomes come in a wide variety, from woodland and forest, which are the most common yet rarely seen, to the garden variety. There are plenty in between but I wont get into that since I don't have the time or energy to get into the history and lore surrounding gnomes. Although we can all agree that they are imbued with magic! I know they put a spell on me! (ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha)no, but really, I think they are groovy. They are seen as lucky as gargoyles are seen to ward off evil spirits. You don't need a garden to have gnomes, hence the one on my porch. A fine specimen indeed. And to all you would be pranksters and Gnome-nappers, don't even think about it. He is boobie trapped in the most diabolical way. (booowaaaahahahahahah)So, love 'em or hate 'em, gnomes are here to stay. Besides, what is so bad about being fun sized?
Today's secret word is 'Moxie'.

Idiocracy Afoot

So today I was driving back from a walking excursion at a local mall since the park was apart of it's nearby river. The whole way home just about, I noticed in my rear view mirror, this white S.U.V. with some lady driving (while fooling with whatever fabric it was she was trying to keep on the dash board that kept blowing off the fan housing mind you) and a dude who kept holding out some clothing items or something of the like out the window. Under proper weather conditions, I could see if some one trying to air dry some items, as strange as it is, but, it was raining. So I said to myself, "really?!"
Today's secret word is "Amrap!"

42.0 The Aftermath

Rastafari Mon!!!! I can say with all confidence that the oatmeal seas have been polluted! Right now, it feels like my skull is stuffed with cotton. No small wonder though, considering I rarely over do it in such a profound way. Sure, a puff or two here and there and maybe a few space cakes every once in a while, but last night, damn!!! Some might say I am a lightweight, and that could be true, but considering the potency of what kind of cronic I had, and I do mean some kind bubba kush, you can understand why by the end of the night I had completly melted into the couch. I started the day off with one home made space cake,( a single tiny brownie shot). Then at exactly twenty minutes after 4pm, I joined the milloions of tokers world wide and took a heathy rip ( or two) off my home made Dr.Puffer bottle bong. I levitated for quite some time, finished cleaning the house and made dinner. After my feet was only and inch off the floor, it was time for another space cake, or two acctually. I was feeling realy mellow while watching G-4's 420 holiday special, the world premire of Doug Benson's "Super High Me". Afterwards Attack of the Hoe, uh Show, showed footage from the Cannabas Cup competiton in Amsterdam so I wanted to be right there with 'em so it was back to the bong to finnish my meager leavins. Needless to say, I was feeling no pain! A relief because I am in some level of pain on a daily basis due to my disability. Besides being crippled in the mind. So now it's a new day, the holiday has come to an end and it's time to get back to a more solid exsistance, which in itself isn't all that solid, I am always walking on marshmellows I guess.
Today's secret word is: "Languor"
Remember kids, never play with your food, unless it tries to play with you first!

It's 420. Do you know where your brain is right now? I know where mine is, and I bet you do too! Certainly not on this plane of exsistance. Need I say more? Some my argue that point, but, that's o.k. too. That's like, their opinion man. Crap. I had something clever all lined up to say and it flew away. Honest! The fucker sprouted wings and there it went! Zoom,zoom, zoom!!! I'll have to set out the nets so if it comes back, I can just write it later. Besides, this is not the time for intelligent discussion. More for weird, strange and bizarre experiences to tell of, which I have see go down before my very eyes. It's only in that rare instance when the door of possibility opens in the universe that you end up witnessing alone, except once in a blue moon. For instance, last summer, I was in my car after purchasing some refreshment at a local party store for my walk, when as I was getting ready to pull out of the parking lot, a funeral train started passing, while on my radio that was at that perfect volume, Bob Dyllan's (original) "Knocking on Heavens Door" was playing. It was so surreal because the day bright but with a mid morning haze. What are the odds! (By the way, I took the picture off my porch last year because it looks like a pot leaf! God made pot, man made beer, who do you trust!)
Today's secret word is 'Oxnard!'

The Conway Twitty Clock Incident

Oh dear Lord, where do I begin with this one!? Well, at the beginning I suppose. I took a road trip a few months ago just after Christmas down to Indiana to visit some relatives. After an hour of conviviality, and toking some really good sativa, I found myself in the living room where there hangs one of those wood stump lacquered clocks on the wall. Normally, one would think that it was no big deal, but, this clock was different. Shalaqued onto this clock was a picture of country music star, Conway Twitty, at his very best, circa 1970 something. It looked as if the picture was cut from a magazine, laminated and glued onto the surface. His 'fro' had almost a halo around it. After contemplating this image set upon me by the powers that be, I wondered to myself, "Was this done on purpose?" I mean, who, aw fuck it, trying to explain a travesty like that is just not in my realm of experience. Anyhoo, as I sat writing, I kept looking up at it, trying to wrap my mind around this thing, and he just keeps staring at me with that look on his face like he is ready to bust out with that " Hello Darlin' " bit! What really struck me though was the fact that the hands on this clock were attached dead center in the front of his white guy 'fro', (the time was just after 10pm, visualize with me people) giving the appearance that someone had winged the little gold clock hands at him, and by chance, they stuck in his hair just right! It was like it happened and he either did not notice or he did not care. And no, I was not so high that I imagined the entire thing, the clock exists!!! I have seen it with my own eyes!!!! I made sure to check the next morning when I was sober, so there.

To suffer fools gladly

Ah yes, the time has come to unleash my unbridled insanity upon you, the reader. But don't worry, it's 100% freeze dried so it is pretty much harmless. Well, a little about me. ( see profile.) I somehow felt the need to introduce myself since this is my first time blogging, so yay me, I have finally entered the 21st century. I get a pat on the back to administer to myself, and that is better than a slap on the belly with a wet trout, and we all know how much that can hurt! (well, some of us anyway. No questions!!!!) Now, we must enter the realm of what some my find strange, others, boring and yet others, fascinating, and others, funny, and still yet more others out there, (that will never have to read this garbage!) Lucky them! So, take a hit from the bong, pop a pill, poor a drink or get lit on warm Pepsi, what ever your flavor and prepare yourselves to step aboard the Ship Of Fool for a cruise on the wierd and wacky seas of oatmeal that infests my skull. As Dr. Hunter S. Thomson said once, " Buy the ticket, take the ride!" I think were gonna need a bigger boat.