A small milestone.

Sailing the Oatmeal Seas has had it's 500th visitor! Hooray for The High Beezer of Foolishness!! His Royal Pudding Head and the cast of Godzilla vs Megalon would like to personally congratulate the 500th Buttery Rich Visitor and Deckhand, even if you have been here before, where ever you may be in this great big, yet surprisingly small world of ours. Like a reverse Tartis I guess. Honestly, I really do not want to know, it's not like I can send you a tee shirt or mug or anything, however, my gratitude is deep. The best prize I can come up with is this: Get the biggest balloon you can find, blow it up all the way, and let it go for a rousing 'round the room razz-berry!!! You will find that in the end the balloon is just like me, flabby, full of air and easily deflated. Oh! Now, for some melodious strains of that hip and groovy group, Bongspank and The Hydroheed. Take it away freaks!

Ladies and Gentleman, Joybelly Productions Presents...

Bongspank and the Hydroheed!!

Rainbow sugary gumdrops

Falling from outer space

Everything's out of place-

Plastic chair on the ceiling

Turning the fan blade up

Empty my flower up-

Take a trip on the oatmeal sea of your mind, take a dip in the sticky jell of your mind!

Mushroom bell bottom green smoke

Swirling in my bed

Funny things I said

Candy swallowing stardust

Peeling thoughts away

Stretch along the day-

Once you take that trip on the mind, strange things there you will come to find!

Smoothing out all he static

Run away with brine

Jump though the soda wine-

Backward clock in the mirror

Marshmallow flannel shirt

Falling up from dirt-

Exit now to the far reaches of your head, ride the waves back to your bed!

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Stay tuned for more groovy sounds from deep within your soul baby!

Just let the mind drift.....all is well.

Hmmmmm....I wonder...?

A tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it. Does it make a sound? It should, unless that forest is in a vacuum which said forest simply could not exist because trees need air. What if the forest falls over and the tree still stands? Then that would mean it is I who am observing the tree and for some odd reason, succumb to gravity on either side and fall over. But, what reason would that be? Drunkeness? No, that is more of a heaving and weaving so in lieu of falling it would be a disastrous whirlwind of the entire forest spinning about me, like a B horror picture. In an altered state? That could happen, only if it's what I am feeling on the waves transmitted through my aerials of how the universe is ebbing and flowing at that particular moment. Then slowly.....oh so slowly... as if in a dream.....I drift down.... to the pillowy coolness of the forest floor. Twigs and sticks snap and crackle, the warm sunshine breaks through leaves and branches. Like watching an episode of Bob Ross while lounging on the sofa, digging on all the happy trees. So soft, so comfy. A great day for a dream, to chase a few clouds scrolling across blue skies, making me roll onto my back, take a deep breath and smile. Then the bugs come. Ants, ticks, beetles, skeeters, gnats, spiders, and other manor of things that only an Entomologist would know what the fuck they were. What the hell!? I didn't sign up for this!! Why!? A consequence of the decaying vegetation I so foolishly layed myself onto. Geeeeze!!!

Happy Holidays to all you Deckhands out there!!

Tis the season to get weird with your friends so have a good one, or two if you wish. Abide all you achievers, party on, be excellent to each other, that kind of thing. Peace on earth, equal rights, justice and good will to all!

So then, the mind drifts....

Lo then, a conquring vision decends on fiery feet. Seering a blinding condition of conclusion we then meet. Driving out evil that leadens thine heart, courses anew set on our chart.

I hath seen with shiny eyes, in the glow that ethereal light provides. Far future ages when summer is new, our kind will be chosen to prove itself true.

Fingers of lightning and fire were seen, twisting around structure in a sinister gleam. "Destruction!" It shouted at the frightened below, but they would not budge, they answered "No." Defiant they stood as the storm drew near, then someone burst; "This is our stand, we make it here! Our spirits are strong, it shall never control!" The masses hath spoken, they bore their soul.

With weapons raised and banners unfurled, humanity's final act in a dreadful world, said, our bond is our strength, no matter the cause, weather we wear whitey tighties or run around in bras!(Bah!)

I meant not to kill it, twas going quite well, but I broke out my stash, and all went to hell. But it's my poem, I'll do as I wish, so don't you threaten me with a dead fish. For those who got that, my hat's off to you. For those who didn't, here is something new. Below is a reference to a film of such merit, give it a look and roll up a carrot. Thank you..Goodnight!!! I'll be here all week! One trip to the salad bar please...........try the veal...............take two, they're small.....

Here's lookin' at you kid!

Nothing says dinner time like some nice Flank 'O Fisheye! Who wouldn't want their meal staring back at them? (This guy for one I'll tell ya!)Does it get all milky and blind lookin when boiled? Is it served whole or sliced? (I'll never know, but Andrew Zimmern might!)Sure it may be a posh dish in some parts of this world and that's cool man, but, I think it would be more fun to pin two of them into a giant Muppet head for a fantastic, albeit stinky, costume. Freak people out with those huge googly eyes! As for me though, I choose not to play with my food unless it plays with me first. And in this case, it just might do that.

Hung like a horse radish.

For some reason, this pic was not good enough for 'My Food Looks Funny' site so I shall deal with this myself. Ahem. As I was shopping not too long ago in the vegetable section of a local store I noticed this thing hanging about. With the convenience of current technology, I snapped a pic or two thinking it ought to make the cut on that website mentioned above. Alas, it was not to be however, for after waiting a few cycles, hide nor hare was too be seen of this funky looking root that puts me to shame. Upon reflection, it would have been much funnier if I lived in the town of Dildo.

Tough times all around.

You know it is lean times in this economy when Ronnie Mac himself is looking like Raggity Ann. So did Grimace and Birdie finally kick him out of MacDonaldland after Officer Big Mac arrested him for a heinous crime involving the Fry Guys? Did Hamburgler steal one too many cheeseburgers and he went bankrupt? Or perhaps this impostor was caught yellow handed making appearances unauthorized by MacDonald Corp or any of it's thousands of franchises and summarily sued for every nickle that poor schmuck had and has now been "reduced to the status of a bum" as Withnail would say. (If you are wondering who Withnail is, watch the film 'Withnail & I' and you shall see the light.)

Cthuthulu found!

"What in the name of John Wayne's Ass is that!?" It was the first words heard on the fishing boat 'Grouper Getter' when this weird creature was brought on board. Is it indeed one of the monsters described in any a number of H.P.Lovecraft stories? Is it the Creature from the Black Lagoon? It just goes to show that as humanity plumbs the depths of earth's oceans, a sailor's worst nightmare is doomed to surface once in a while. Can you imagine what that nasty thing must smell like? Of course, it is most likely a familiar species to many like a dogfish or something stupid, but, in the name of all things holy man! I have never seen something so ugly come out of the water since the movie Monster of Muscle Beach! Besides the point, who really knows what horrors are yet to be discovered in the deepest, darkest recesses of our oceans and waterways. Perhaps it is some strange mutation from all the garbage and other crap floating around out there courtesy of factories, big oil companies and power facilities, not to mention all the other environmental rapists and criminals who give the finger to Mother Earth on a daily basis. Humanity may never know.

I found the fool.

Breaking news: Krinkles the Murderous Klown has been caught by none other than Mr.T. We now return you to your regularly scheduled nonsense. Stay tuned for more mediocrity mayhem ripped out of the either by yours truly.

Neeeeeeeeeyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

Today, Krinkles the Klown is wanted on the charge of Murder in the first degree after he was observed fleeing a local hotel in a tiny white and polka-dot Ford Festiva, where the body of a Caucasian person was found dead, face down in a bathtub of milk, sprinkled with sugar coated rice crisps and a banana inserted into her rectum. Authorities have deduced it to be a cereal killing and Krinkles was immediately suspect. Witnesses reported a "maniacal" laughing moments before the sound of a slamming door and a heavy flopping of giant shoes down the hallway. Krinkles is to be considered armed and dangerously funny. Last seen at large in the Battle Creek MI area. If you have any information about Krinkles' location, please call your local police, fire department and National Guard units. Captain Crunch and Mayor McCheese were quoted as saying that "We will be doing everything we can in our power to stop this madman."

Toho Jr. Productions Presents

Ahh, the things my son gets to wake up to. Sometimes late at night after my son is far off in dreamland, and I can get medicated, I come up with crazy things to build for him so, when he gets in the living room the next morning there is a fun surprise. Of course, he ignores it for a little while, then he becomes Godzilla and dismantles the entire operation. What more could a 22 month old ask for huh? I grew up watching all the classic monster flicks and B-movie madness and hope to foster the love of those films in him. I mean is there anything better than kicking back with a cold soda, a bowl of popcorn and watching Godzilla open a can of whoop-ass on Megalon or King Ghidorah? However, I can only watch the ones from the 60s and 70s. To me the newer ones look like an episode of the Power Rangers, which I could never get into. Give me Ultra-Man and Johnny Socko's Giant Robot!!! As a matter of fact, it's late it is the perfect time to watch some giant monsters beat each other up!

And the Mayor's wife said "Ha!"

We don't really know what's up with Ol' Rasputin here, but I can only discern he is attempting to make himself larger by in-taking massive quantities of air and holding it. (It doesn't work, I have tried and that is exactly what it looks like too!) Either that or he just got hit right in the rollers. Here is something scientifically valid: If four Billionaires won the lottery, than it's a fair chance that the cat in this picture might come across this blog, and think to himself, "Hey, that's me!" If that ever happens, then sir, I implore you to explain the circumstance behind said picture so that the mystery will be solved and we can end this lesson on theory and conjecture. Oh and thank you for appearing on the show! If you like I can send you a tee shirt, maybe some instant oatmeal or some other cool swag for your trouble.

Next stop, Uranus.

No matter what see worthy (yes, see as in with your eyes out your windows) vessel you captain, or where you go, before dropping anchor, here is some advice. This is one place I would want to detour around because they would probably say, "Hi, welcome to Dildo, now go fuck yerself!" I'll never know. Yet, I can't help but wonder. What kind of individuals live in a town called Dildo? Are they miffed all the time because others are constantly making mirth at their expense? Ill tempered or what have you? Or would they be a friendly sort of folk, letting us know that they are at our cervix? Would they have a church or a clock in the town square that the hour is marked with a giant " dong?" Maybe it is pronounced in a different way, no, wait. There is only one way to say that word. It is what it is. I can only imagine what the local adult novelty store must be called. If the fickle finger of fate is involved, you can bet your Funk and Wagnals that there is a guy living there with the last name Bates and the mailman always chucked when the man was but a young lad getting mail addressed to him as Master. Ok, before you start whipping rotten tomatoes at me for the bad jokes, refer to the disclaimer. Would some consider it an honor to shake hands with the mayor? Would said mayor, or at least someone get a petition to change the name of that town to Steely Dan for starters, or maybe even Holmes?

Ahoy Paloy!

Space...the place between my ears. These are the voyages of the Starship Boobieprise,(aka Ship of Fool). It's mission, to seek out strange thoughts and weird conversation topics, and to oddly go where no fool has gone before!!!

Captain's Log, Stardate: 5934.31 wait, what day is this? The entity known as "The Tornado" has once again brought wide spread destruction upon my ship. According to damage reports, all sections have been effected. It astounds me that something that stands no more than three feet tall can wreak havoc in the manor which this creature does. From bow to stern, port and aft, household debris is strewn in all directions. The chief engieneer has said, putting things back to right will take some time, however, it will make little difference after the being wakes from his slumber to attack yet again.

Please stand by

We interrupt our regularly scheduled insanity to bring you the following: Tonight's book review of "Tiger's Revenge" by Claude Bauls will not be seen. In it's place, we shall be enduring not one, but two travesties, their only use would be that of bum wipe. We are speaking of "20,000 Leagues to the Outhouse" by Willy Makette and it's equally bad companion tale, "A Bad Day" by Betty Wont. This program has been brought to you by the following: Our friends at Absorbext Tampons, reminding you that if your tampon is a pain in the ass, it's in the wrong spot. The Mortuary Food & Spirits, "Stop in for a cold one anytime." Soup! brand soup. Now in a can. Try "Sandwich" flavor! Herbert's Butcher Shop, "Nobody beats our meats!" and The Soul Clinic. So now, on with tonight's show. We are sorry, due to 9 solar flares with an RF flux of 144, 122 sun spots and the Corona at a measurement of r=22m km, we can no longer provide you clear signal to enjoy this program. Please stand by........

And away we go!

Zoom, zoom, zoom! It's true folks, we are in full throttle, flat out bug shit crazy wacky mode tonight! I guess you might say we have even gone ape. Jee whiz, sounds like I am trying to sell a used car back in the days of leisure suits and big cars, where funky was where it was at. So let's set the cruise controls for the heart of the sun and slip back into The 70s....If you don't like it, then get the funk out! Nixon was still fucking America in the ass with Kissenger's finger, groove was on the move, and Grass was the drug of choice for millions of everyday folks like you and me. Especially toward the end of that decade when it seemed the dry leafy goodness was on it's way to being decriminalized. We had great t.v. programs like The Gong Show and Soul Train, The Midnight Special and Wolfman Jack. Saturday morning cartoons were at the peak of insaity dementing the minds of the already warped. There was nothing like sitting in front of the picture box with a bowl of cereal and watching Loony Toons. Good times! Then, the Forces of Darkness stepped in and took away our chance at liberty within reason. Once again, those villains are rearing their ugly heads to crush the little guy, fuck the poor, and run this train into the narrow tunnel of their vision. I'll step down from the soapbox now and spin things in a new direction that is pretty interesting none the less. Every decade has seen it's own sense of style, art and feel of things reflective in that particular decade's drug culture and what substances were popular at the time. Think back to the 80's for example. All the bright colors, shocking hair dos, the music and many other things we look back on and make fun of.

The choice of many in the Pepsi Generation wasn't Pepsi. It was pure coke, straight from Columbia. The 90s, heroin, you got grunge. This Godforsaken decade, everyone for the most part is luded out on some sort of pill or another weather they truly need it or not. This is evident in the awful popular music scene. Are there people out there who actually enjoy a song on the radio when it is played six times in one hour? But, that is a conversation for another time. Let's step into the Way Back Machine and have Professor Peabody set the controls to the late 60s and explore the fashions of the time influenced by the Great Acid Wave. No one can argue that it was a groovy time for some. The ones who truly know could tell ya. I love clips of the B movies from that era, look them up, you might dig them. Well, I hope you have enjoyed this little history lesson, I am a professor and all, so I profess to be!

Weirdness is Afoot

At some point in out lives we must scratch some nonsense on a scrap of paper. Weather you are having a dullard day at your fabulous job, if you are lucky enough to have one, or sitting on hold for some lousy bill collector that called you and put you on hold in the first place so you can listen to an automated message that may or may not be that important. Sheesh. Anyhoo, it is indeed a fun time waster, oh wait, isn't there an app for that?

Rumors of my demise have been greatly rumored

Yes, it is true! I have returned to the bloggisphere!!! I am sorry I was absent for a long, long time.

Reason being is my mobile data device that has the capability to make a phone call, would not let me post on here. That was my main access to the internet. Also, I was suppose to start the stick figure comic series in here, but that plan didn't work out either. Upon reviewing the crude drawings, I noticed that my funny characters, Donovan and Chuck were merely the stoner stick version of a deranged Burt and Ernie. That and I had lots of trouble scanning the notebooks that I scribbled that garbage in. So this brings us back to now. I can assure you now that I will continue to bring you merth, wackyness, and sink to low levels of mediocrity for all of you deckhands and buttery rich visitors. Can you dig it?