Monday, November 19, 2012
More from the WTF Files!
I have absolutely no clue of what this strange creature is, mainly because I forgot to write what it was when I found the pic, so my bad. We can however speculate to no end to what this insect is. Sometimes you feel like a nut I suppose. In our speculation and conjecture, it is my hypothesis that some native tribes probably consider this a tasty snack to be served with other spiders and grubs from the jungle. Either that or that is just one of those things a person sees while on a hallucinogenic substance whipped up by the tribe's Medicine Man. If that's the case, I can only hope that this bug imparts some sort of wisdom to the psyconaught on their journey of mental exploration as they plumb the depths of the mind. Good luck, and Godspeed. I certainly would not want to wake up to an army of these invading my campsite. They could be poisonous and bitey and I can not abide biting insects of any sort that crave the flesh of the human beast.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
A Kerfuffle Over Lunch.
Have we not devolved as a species enough as it is? Kudos to you at Channel 19 News to have the journalistic courage to probe deep into the soul of a beloved sandwich favorite to discern if the peanut butter is not as cooperative with the jelly as we once thought, or is it the other way around? Or is it that the bread is white and not wheat? Well listen here, taste does not lie!! You might as well say, that the Reese's company got it wrong too! Are we so paranoid of a culture where we go around accusing food because we can? Both breads taste great! Hey, wait...after a closer look at the details, one might say, "Hey, Kent and Brunswick is in Canada Eh!" But I would call them on their shenanigans and say, no way man, look at the high and low temperatures the are marked with degrees Fahrenheit not Centigrade, and anyone who knows anything, that Canada runs on the metric system and in fact uses Centigrade. KPH too, so, say if you bellied up to the counter at the local Ronnie Mac Steakhouse, you could probably get a Royale with Cheese. Unless of course the company that Lords over the fast food biz with a yellow gloved iron fist demands all of it's franchises in North America use the term "Quarter Pounder". I wouldn't put it by those clowns I'll tell ya. But, I digress. Those places are most likely counties in a State near you! Now, lets take a closer look at this nasty bread the person used to make this travesty of our loved PB&J. I would guess that it was found in some school kid's repugnant locker. No Wonder Bread was hurt in the construction of this masterpiece. (No Wonder Bread was used at all it seems!) I mean bottom shelf bargain brand doesn't look that bad, and the fool even took a bite! Yet, we must see to the heart of this matter. It is my professional opinion that PB&J sandwiches are not racist. They are only delicious. As funky as the one pictured looks, it may taste just fine. ( Insert philosophical cliche here about books and covers and all that.)
Thursday, November 8, 2012
It's a game of what if....
Now, if you are a stoner or even if you're not, one has to agree on how cool this would be to have in your very own personal Soul Clinic. Illuminate your self and your friends with this radiation free lounging equipment from your friends at the Tron Gallery! Nightlife has never been so bright. Can you imagine, listening to some mellow jams, kicking it surrounded by the soft under-glow, enjoying your relax of choice with friends, old or new. Being apart of the Human Element, engaging, the essence of conversation, the point/counter point of ideas shared and sustained in the very movement of the moment. Built within this perfection is revelation, epiphany, enlightenment. Wise thoughts fill the cup of the mind, that make one ponder if siting on electronic furniture with drink in hand could be a bad decision considering that liquid and electricity do not mix and might just blast you through the fuckin ceiling. Always bad news especially if you live on a bottom floor apartment. All those sorry bastards living above would notice would be a momentary brown out and body busting up out of their floor! Good way to ruin movie night. Where in the hell would be the off switch anyway? Not recommended for well lit areas of the home or office in any case. I would not be surprised if the seating remains toasty warm, unless of course we have discovered light without heat.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
An excerpt from the "WTF!" Files
If you ever read The Gunslinger series by Stephen King, your first thought upon seeing this 'Lobstrosity' was "Did-a- chic! Did-a-chum!" am I right? It surprises me to no end the ever constant strangeness in the circle of life on earth. The phrase, "It might taste like pumpkin pie but I'd never eat the motherfucker" comes to mind. I certainly hope for that guy's sake that whatever he is holding is dead, dead, dead!! If not, then Braveheart over here probably had a feast because if you are not afraid to hold it, chances are you are not afraid to eat it. What do I have to say to that? GAAAHHH!!!!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Some good advice!
As Dr. Hunter S. Thomson said, "Buy the ticket, take the ride." Yes ladies and gents, I am taking a bit of a break and a deviation from the current theme of interstellar mockery until such time as I either come up with funnier material or I get an enormous amount of fan mail demanding the return of the ads. However, I do not see the latter ever happening, so, I will just wait until a picture plunks the magic twanger of my funny bone before I lay down any more of that drivel. Admittedly, it has been pretty slow here in the secret bunker and this you see before you is all my puny mind can concoct. So, without any further a due, I shall bid you Adieu for now.
Friday, August 24, 2012
I'm not a crook!
Yes the pool is shrinking, thank God, of eligible intergalactic bachelors and bachelorettes and as soon as I run out of ideas, and believe you me, I am stretching at this point, I can assure you that I will be moving on to other low brow crap to make fun of. The costumes are only getting worse as are the jokes, I mean, look at this fool. Slacks and wingtips?! Really?! Draping yourself with 'creepy cloth' does not mean you are some being from beyond, unless you are beyond help, of which sir you are. However, for shits and giggles, let's assume that his costume is worthy of note and he comes from the planet Theta Epsilon III in the Cygnus sector. "Dick" as he wishes to be known, has come to earth to party down like there is no tomorrow anywhere! He enjoys long soaks in the swamp, collecting ray guns and is a master of disguise. His idea of a first date is base jumping into deep pits in the earths crust and a cup of coffee at a greasy spoon afterward. Give him a shot and he may just shoot you back, or in the back, or something. Oh hell, this is just terrible!!!
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Hey, hey fellas!!
Wow do we have a treat for you tonight boys! This Diva from the planet Skeeva has got it all! (Including a few things you have never even heard of, woa!) Meet B'nnttz-Fnt-Laa or "Lucinda" if you prefer. This beauty is a Sagittarius with a Mercury rising, and we're not talking Freddy either! She enjoys feeding on the fluids of fresh fruits native to her home world, Zumba, Palates, listening to the earthling band 'The Venus In Furs' , desperate male species of any sentient race and assorted earth beverages. Top of her most favorites are Long Island Ice Teas. Give her a go in your Satellite of Love and she is sure to rock your worlds!
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Super Intelligent Being Seeks Same.
Greetings life forms. This is Lord Thall of the planet Medullion Massa which orbits Mu Arae in the Ara constellation. He is an interplanetary evil genius who is looking for other life forms who would share his aspirations of watching planets burn. Lord Thall is Aquarius rising and his favorite color is, you guessed it black! When not building sophisticated weapons of mass destruction, Thall relaxes by listening to the screams of his helpless test subjects while viewing holo -projections of super novas. Get on his good side, (if he has one) and you never know what secrets of the universe you will unlock!
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
The Eyes Have It!
Today Inter-Galactic Dating Ads bring you our latest cyclopian beauty, "Iris" ( no surprise there huh?) She is from a planet on the far side of Caelum, called Shuttlecock if you can believe that!. This bright eye debutante relaxes playing the native game of her people, commonly known on Earth as Badminton. Apparently she really "throws herself" into it! How could you go wrong with a chick that has legs up to her, uh, eye? Don't let that spiky dress fool ya, she is on the lookout for her mate and it could be you! We here at Inter-Galactic Dating Ads are positive she will "keep an eye out for ya!"
Monday, August 13, 2012
Another Happy Couple!
Here at Inter-Galactic Dating Ads.Com, we would like to congratulate another match made in the heavens. Kudos to "Dave and Jane" on their recent coupling of conduits! These two star crossed lovers met for the first time on a Star Cruiser touring the famous Belt of Orion after using our services. Not a bad first date sipping Aurllian Ale and munching on Muckworms and Skibbs while floating in the zero gravity suite. May they have a happy existence together, living prosperous and long lives.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Inter-Galactic Dating Returns!
Gods save the Queen! No matter what deity you worship, you can agree that this is one single monarch that demands your tribute! Queen Andromeda is scouring the universe for her suitor and it could be you! She Lourdes over the Rigel Centaurus Star Cluster but she has crossed the stars to this backwater to snag someone spineless and submissive. Not hard to find on the Earthling's inter-web. Are you ready to be conquered and measure up to her grueling standards? Her interests are ruling, vaporizing minions who show the slightest defiance, being waited on hand and foot, enslaving worlds, and chocolate ( lots of it!) Normally she wouldn't even bother with our insignificant speck of a planet, but Earth is the only planet in the known universe that chocolate can be found. Lover her and Despair!!
This is a test...of an Emerging Broadcast System,
Woa Hoa Beebaaaahhhh!!! Excuse the hiatus ladies and germs, but I needed time to figure out the new workings of Blogger Dashboard. Of course in the coming days I shall bring back the low levels of mediocrity that you expect my adoring Deckhands and Oatmeal heads! I still have plenty Galactic Dating Service adds in store to mangle your medullas! So many in fact that it will keep me busy for a while. Until next time, terminate your links, break your broad-bands and sink into the goo of the Oatmeal Seas!!!
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
What the Hell!?
Still trying to figure out how to post a pic on this new forma bullshit from my saved files on the computer, so far cannot do it. Must be no longer allowed or some shit. I just want to make fun of other peoples pictures!!!! AAARRRRRRGGGG!!!!!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Look no further Gents!
Spring is in full swing and everyone is looking for love, even "Edith" here! She is a Libra with a Venus retrograde, enjoys flying saucer joyrides, super-science, lasers, astrophysics, and quantum mechanics.After analyzing a cross section of human cuisine, her favorite is Northern European. Just kidding folks, it's ice cream, fudge, potato chips, sushi, avocado, peanuts and pizza, or all of that on a pizza, affectionate known as The Shaggy.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
More...? Really? Yes!!
Meet "Ted". He just arrived on Earth last week and is looking for friends to show him around town, have a few drinks and see the sights. "Ted" is a Cloapian from Sentarra III, an M-Class planet just outside the Izar Ecliptic. He enjoys Backgammon, silly earth programs and any kind of cheese. All new discoveries for this far out extra-terrestrial tourist. On his home-world, clearly marked upon his cowl, "Ted" showed great promise as the planets foremost author of archaic "novels" about digressing civilizations until his last read was a total failure. Hence why he chose our particular toilet to explore, gathering as much torrid information as possible for the masses on Sentarra III.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Thank you sir! May I have another?!
I thought I would leave all those mushy minds of yours out there alone for a few days but there are still plenty of eligible intelligible weirdies out there in space, so on with the creature feature!!
Greetings from planet Disco hidden someplace in the M52 system! Say hello to "Ralph", (originally Gnerrrtz, but in human speech it sounds like a sneeze.) When you wish upon this star, you are guaranteed to get super far! He's got all the sweet moves on the dance floor and you're sure to score. Let him shuffle his way into your heart's door. Spunk and style that goes the extra mile, Ralph will surely make you smile!
Greetings from planet Disco hidden someplace in the M52 system! Say hello to "Ralph", (originally Gnerrrtz, but in human speech it sounds like a sneeze.) When you wish upon this star, you are guaranteed to get super far! He's got all the sweet moves on the dance floor and you're sure to score. Let him shuffle his way into your heart's door. Spunk and style that goes the extra mile, Ralph will surely make you smile!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Even more Weird Fuckers from Outer Space..

Monday, April 16, 2012
Congratulations to the 600th Buttery Rich Visitor!!

Thank you for your patronage,
-Sir Erasmus Fontlaroy
Sunday, April 15, 2012
And the beat goes on...

Thursday, April 12, 2012
On tonight's Weird Fuckers from Outer Space...

Wednesday, April 11, 2012
More Weird Fuckers from Outer Space

Tuesday, April 10, 2012
The invasion continues...

Thursday, April 5, 2012
The invasion has begun...

Thursday, March 29, 2012
You are being watched!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Today's nugget of truth.

Thursday, March 15, 2012
Confucius says....

Monday, March 12, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Caaaaandeeeeee.......

Sometimes you see what is considered wreck, giving your nightmares a reality check, but that is life and that can be sad. Although seeing this.... things don't.....seem......bad. I don't like the look of it!
Oompa loompa doopity do. If you are wise you will listen to me. You can live in happiness too, like the Oompa Loompa doopidy do!
Watch out all you Snozwangers, Wangdoodles and Vermitious Kanids!! The Queen of Loopa Land is back and meaner than before! Her purpose is to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and she's all out of bubblegum! Before you know it she will have the entire Loompa Army all sugared up and armed to the teeth, ready to give your behinds a whooping that you will never forget in this cinematic masterpiece Charlie and the Chocolate Factory II-Electric Boogaloo!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Newsflash!! The real Dirty Harry revealed!

Monday, February 20, 2012
Today's nugget of truth.

Monday, February 13, 2012
I'm a bug! Neeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

Monday, February 6, 2012
Hey man, it's not my fault.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Cartoon characters in real life.

Friday, January 20, 2012
Not buggin you am I?

Thursday, January 19, 2012
Yeeaaaahhaahhaa!!! What the hell IS that!?

Monday, January 16, 2012
Help meeeeeeee!!!!

Tonight's premiere of "Oatmeal Depth Charge" will be not be seen. In it's place we bring you a special edition Creature Feature Movie, 'Fly vs Fly'. Father and Son are reunited in this action packed adventure sequel to the sequel The FlyII. Only this time it's WAR!! Watch in amazement as these two stink- bugs are whisked away by a strong wind and land in a world where prisoners are forced into gladiatorial combat in kitchens world wide! You will be astounded at the brutality of no quarter, to the death, whole sale destruction!! Stay tuned for tonight's Theater of the Mind Creature Feature Movie, 'Fly vs Fly'!!! (Que cheesy music)
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Butt-Rocket Away!!

Are we that board of a society where we have taken to strapping old ladies to rocket boosters for entertainment?! Either that or our asstronaut here seriously needs to reduce the amount of beans in her diet. Wooo, lentils! Hope she didn't break her coccyx. Watch out Granny! Gravity is a bitch! I'll tell ya gang, if that was yours truly with explosives strapped to my ass, you had better believe I would be dressed for such a dubious occasion! Top notch daredevil threads, like the one Elvis donned in Vegas, decked out in sequins of red, white and blue to show the world that only in America, some brainless lout would attempt such a foolish act of insanity! Mind you now, I would not forget to pack a parachute or state of the art crash helmet. Padding would not be a bad idea either come to think about it. Safety first kids! I have to really wonder what the ultimate result of this experiment or what have you actually was. I can guess who made an appearance, an ambulance and perhaps a cop or two, angry relative maybe. I hope there is video of this out there some place. Were there signs of panic, horror, or dare I say it...laughter? Did she holler, "I can see my house from here!!!!"? I may never know. Therefore, I will give this particular pic, 5 out 0f 5 bowls of oatmeal in the 'artsy fartsy' category.
Today's nugget of truth.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Godzilla found love, so can you!

Friday, January 6, 2012
The Beat goes on...yea, like dig...

The Poet is crying,
The Martyrs are dying,
The Cynic sis making sense.
The Lovers are lying,
And still we're all trying,
To fence our struggles within.
The Masses are calling,
The sky is falling,
The Zealots are preaching salvation.
The Realists are reeling,
The Dreamers are dreaming,
And Creation still stands alone.
Monday, January 2, 2012
The countdown to madness starts now!

Now we get to look forward to this year and wonder if it will be our last. Many theories are abound in our world on what will happen on that day the Myan calender will end or perhaps even reset. All of the planets in our solar system are suppose to align straight across on either side of the Terran home world or some strange occurence of the sort. Will we be visited by an intelligent species to usher humanity into the era of light without heat? (Like in that Steve Vai song, 'Little Green Men' from his album 'Flexible' I believe it to be, give it a listen, you wont be disappointed.)
Will the Grand Space Lizard come for his spies among us and reveal its plot to use us as a food source? I mean look at it, with fast food and junk food being relativity cheap, they have fattened us up! The healthy food is expensive and many getting into the exercise craze, but it is no help. Those are for the lizards who prefer a different cut of meat. Nice and lean. Then again, will we be picked apart and slowly destroyed by environmental upheaval due to Global Warming? Maybe it will be another Rapture moment with people holding their breath as the Pope hangs off his balcony in front of millions shouting "Me First!"
I for one think that if anything, we might feel some strange gravitational ebbs and flows. How will the psychics and others attuned to different forces going to deal with all the fucked up energy that day? What if the universes that exist go through that same alignment at the same time, except of course the ones that would experience the opposite or never happens at all in the first place, therefor would have different courses and such. However the ones that do, will they intrude on our particular chunk of space-time? If the same matter cannot exist in the same space, then will we be looking at instant annihilation? At least we wouldn't feel it I would hope, unless space-time grinds to a halt and we are trapped in stasis. Would we be totally aware but unable to do anything about it?
Could the proven discovery of the Higgs-Boson Particle suddenly happen on 12-12-12 at exactly 12:12 and 12 seconds in Cern? Will the light barrier be broken? Or will a particle smash in a way that a black hole will be created and that is our ultimate doom? It's got two chances to happen ya know. Will it be Zombies? Pirates? Ninjas? All three at once?! Another likely scenario is that the day and evening will pass us by like so many others. Full of stories of people doing dumb shit in the name what they believe. I hope there is at least an solar eclipse that day just to cap the experience. I'll have popcorn at the ready.
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